#04

Teary and gloomy

Saturday, November 15, 2014 @ 11:01 pm

Feeling melancholy again.

Well I know I'm supposed to be all on studying.

But is it only me feeling like this now?

I feel that, at this point in life.

What I would really like to do is to go home.

And have a nice big warm hug by my family.

It's really been a long year away from home.

I still have 3 big barriers to get past in the next 2 weeks.

People have been really nice and supportive and I think it really boils down to my own self esteem issues.

It's like.

I have so much self doubt in myself.

Friends tell me, why are you being like that.

Can't you be more positive.

It's really easy to say, but when you're the person standing in my shoes.

When all suddenly seems hopeless and really sad and disastrous.

Like all you want to do is pack your bags and go home.

I have tried.

Really hard not to think about it.

I know I have to get through this phase in life for me to be even stronger.

But it's really hard.

I know over thinking this is indefinitely making it even harder for me.

But I'm really trying my best not to think about it.

The mind is an amazing thing isn't it.

The more you try to not think about things.

The more you think.

It's just human.

Just having that support is really critical.

I don't know how long more I can hold out for without crying my eyes out everynight.

Just a slight trigger, like watching a video with sad music can make me cry.

It's just that bad.

I hope to see happy Clarissa days again.

I long for the day I can smile widely and scream out and be worry free.

But first.

Let me get through this phase in life first.

Be Strong Clarissa.

You have to.

It's the only way to survive in this world (Sad reality of life.)

Love you gran

Monday, November 10, 2014 @ 2:48 pm

Hi Gran
You're really my hero.
I'm glad I called you this afternoon.

You've been really strong the past weeks.
I'm so sorry to hear about Aunty Mary,
Your eye condition is worrying me at the moment.
I know you're scared.
I'm scared too.
I hope to be back to give you support.
Be strong okay.
I'll be there for you.

"Hearing gran sob over the phone this afternoon pained my heart". The strong woman I know reduced to tears.
Her eyes, and she's been lonely.
I really wish I could be back home with her.
She's really my best friend
She's been there for me since I grew up, And it's been a whole lot of roller coasters these couple of years.
I'll be there for you Gran.
I Love You.

我要疯了

Saturday, November 08, 2014 @ 5:57 pm

I really miss home.
I'm at a current state of exhaustion and tiredness and non productivity.
I started crying again tonight.
For no reason.
Because 我是很想家。
我有去看辅导员，我很可能压力真的很大。
她立刻安排星期一再去看她。

At this point in time, I am really tired.
I want to fall into a deep sleep.
I can't annoy gran cause she's not here with me
I can't pop out my head and have a random talk with my parents and then nag at them to tell them not to talk to me because I have work to do, and retreat into my own room.
It's grades grades grades here.

The countless times I've cried this year.
My eyelids and nose is peeling at the moment.
Because they're dry.

Sorrow.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014 @ 7:59 pm

I am technically supposed to go home on the 17th of November which is supposed to be 12 days from today.
Then the exam days came out.
The exam is on the 19th.
Then I was like, okay I shall move the date of my flight to the 25th.
Then as of today, it was 20 days.
Then I received the email of death.
I unfortunately was not successful at my viva.
So technically I failed it yesterday.

I really doubt myself now.
I was so confident when practising my speech.
Then when it came to my viva.
I just stumbled.
I stumbled so bad.
I failed.
Now.
Home seems so far away.
I'm really scared.
I don't know what to think anymore.